Missing Them Doesn't Mean It Was Safe

One of the most confusing parts of healing after an emotionally unsafe relationship is discovering that you still miss the person who hurt you.

You remember their smile.

Their laugh.

The little rituals and quirks that only the two of you understood.

The conversations about your dreams and the future you imagined together.

The way they remembered the names of your family members or knew exactly which café you loved.

Of course you remember those things.

Of course you miss them.

Missing someone does not erase the harm they caused.

It simply reminds us that very few relationships are made up entirely of pain. There were moments of connection too, and it is often those moments that rise to the surface when euphoric recall quietly settles in.

Then another thought sometimes follows.

"Maybe it's time to forgive them."

Forgiveness means different things to different people. For some, it is an internal process of releasing the weight they have carried. For others, it can become tangled with the idea that they need to tell the person they forgive them.

"Surely after all these years it would be safe enough..."

So sometimes, women reach out.

Sometimes there is no response at all.

Sometimes there is a response filled with what appears to be accountability and responsibility. It can feel hopeful. It can sound like insight, growth and genuine remorse.

And sometimes...

that is exactly what it is.

Sometimes people do change. Sometimes they take responsibility for the harm they caused, respect your boundaries, and both people continue their lives separately, safely and with greater wisdom.

But sometimes...

the accountability is another mask.

Another version of the person you hoped they had become.

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, things begin to feel familiar again.

You express a boundary and it is called a demand.

You ask for distance and it becomes evidence that you are the problem.

You begin to notice comments that feel unsettling.

Mentions of your town.

Your favourite place by the beach.

Little reminders that leave your body wondering whether you are still being watched.

Whether they are still waiting.

And then...

THUD.

BOOM.

CRASH.

Your body remembers before your mind has even caught up.

You find yourself scanning when you leave the house.

Watching cars that slow down near your home.

Feeling that familiar dread settle quietly beneath your ribs.

Because our bodies remember what our minds sometimes try to soften.

Perhaps this is why euphoric recall deserves to be spoken about more openly.

Not because missing someone is wrong.

Not because forgiveness is wrong.

But because longing can sometimes lead us back towards situations that our bodies once worked so hard to survive.

So if you find yourself missing the person who hurt you...

Tell someone.

Tell your counsellor.

Tell a trusted friend.

Tell someone who understands the complexity of trauma and emotionally unsafe relationships.

Not because you've done anything wrong.

But because you deserve someone to help hold both truths with you:

That you can miss them...

and that your safety still matters.

You deserve relationships where boundaries don't need to be defended.

Where respect isn't conditional.

Where your nervous system isn't asked to choose between love and survival.

You...

We...

Me...

All deserve so much more than living inside that fear again.

For more information and support, please feel welcome to visit my website at www.alchemytherapeutic.com.au or reach out directly to me, Kylie, at 0418 227 544 or admin@alchemytherapeutic.com.au